WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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