I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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