How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
