I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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