today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
then he tried to convert me to islam
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I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
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Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize