I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
