we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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