no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
handjob tips. give me some.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
