Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
