i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
