Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
