i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
