Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
my sisters under your porch take her home
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
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