remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
