I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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