i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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