the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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