your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
