The maid of honor just puked.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
