I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
