I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
