it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
