Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
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