I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
