That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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