Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need a beard to bite.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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