I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
