He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
