You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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