i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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