I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
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I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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