god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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