I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
