I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
