Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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