Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
