I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
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