My first STD was from a foam party
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
