Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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