Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
