I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
