he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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