Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
