Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
