sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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