A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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