I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
