I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
