What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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