the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
