I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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