Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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