Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sober January is a disaster.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
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She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
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I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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