So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
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