HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
