dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
