Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.