Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.