in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
