fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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