Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
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Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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