I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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