filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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